Jealousy

Does anyone else in the world just have that one person that they are jealous of? There may be really no reason. They don't have anymore going for them than you do, but you just can't help it. Well, I have one of those. Have had for a long time, and it won't get better. JUST AS SOON as I think it's getting better...something is said, done, etc. that just fires me up again. I don't know where this comes from. There are other people in my life that do and say the very same things, but they do not bring out this same since of envy, jealousy, angry, frustration, grrr... Even when I get the same things that this person has, it still just never feels good enough. Actually, I just always end up feeling like my thunder has been stolem. My happy time has been interrupted with their problem, solution, etc. I feel like my life will always be in the shadow, and it just doesn't sit well with you. I truly fear it will never end. Why won't it go away??? How do I make it go away??? I don't want to live forever with this.

WOW! I'M PREGNANT!!!

Okay, so after all the stressing, worrying, bugging mamas on DS to death, and on and on, Wes and I got our PREGNANT reading on our first cycle trying. I am feeling it too. I am 4 weeks and 6 days today. I couldn't be happier. No baby has ever been wanted more or loved more at this tiny size!

I already don't fit into my prepreg. clothes, but I don't fit into most maternity clothes. So...I have like 4 pairs of maternity pants with stretchy waistbands, and I am rotating them with long shirts. We plan to tell family and friends after I have been to the doctor on Jan. 14th. We have already told my mom, dad, and brother, Wes's sister and brother-in-law, Wes's mom and stepdad. Everyone else has a little less than a month to wait to hear the big news!!!!!

Our first BFN...

Well, even though it was too soon to get an extremely accurate test, I tested yesterday. Just 3 days before AF. The papers said this test would be 82% accurate. Of course, it said that we aren't pregnant. So now my only remaining hope for this cycle was that I tested too soon. Just 2 more days until AF could (NOT) arrive and let us know a little something better.

While it's heartbreaking to see NOT PREGNANT on the stick that you are praying will change your life forever, I am not as devastated yet as I thought I might be. It's just a matter of trying again next month. I am amazed at women who can continue trying for 7, 9 12, 17 months with no luck. By 6 months, I'm going to be ready to go to the doctor for tests, even though I know they don't want to do them. By 12 months, I'm going to be ready to adopt. We want a family! Our home needs a little voice, little feet, little toys, little clothes...big messes...no sleep!

Anyone reading, please keep us in your prayers. We have about 2 and 1/2 weeks before we can try again. Unless...we just got a false NEG. ;)

Not feeling it...

Well, I just don't "feel" pregnant. I hear women say a lot that they just knew it! They knew almost immediately that they were pregnant. I sure hope that doesn't mean we're not pregnant. Because I surely don't "feel" it. I had a day where I had every symptom in the book: nausea, lightheadedness, hungry... But that was my mind playing games with me, and I've not had any of those since. It's too soon to test to get this agony over. How do people try for months and months or even a year without ever conceiving? By that point, I'll be ready to adopt. I can't imagine the frustration of waiting and nothing happenening. I'm frustrated with trying, and so far we haven't even been unsuccessful. For all I know, I could be pregnant already...but then I'm right back where I started...I sure don't feel it.

Just real down in the dumps today. Should be 7 more days (normally) 'till AF may or may not show her ugly head!

Oops...I Slipped

Well, my husband and I really weren't telling anyone that we are trying to conceive. That's why I'm spilling it all over the internet to DS mamas and on my blog. I'm dying to tell! Today I wore a sweater to work that I bought with the intention of wearing it at Christmas PREGNANT, but we decided not to try at that time. Well, b/c of the way it's made, I can and did wear it today anyway. A coworker told me she liked it, and I said (Open mouth insert foot)... "Thanks. I bought it to wear at Christmas pregnant (as I was stretching it out), but I won't be that big then." WHOOPS!!! She said, "That big! You're pregnant!" At that point I had to tell, no I'm not, but we're hoping and trying.

Just a great case of I can't believe my own ears (and the fact that it came out of my own mouth)!

Good Day

Today has been a good day. I got the final 2 out of 3 Christmas trees up and decorated in our house. My husband has been gone most of the day and night doing things with family, so I have gotten gifts wrapped, laundry washed, and more. That's always nice.

So an update on where we are in trying to conceive. I think I ovulated today. I've been crazy trying to temp, chart, and read my body's signs. Mostly I stay confused about whether I have ovulated, or I am going to. But...I think today was the day. I will know more tomorrow.

My husband really wants a boy for lots of different reasons, but secretly I would like a girl. We have 7 boys in the last 3 years on one side of my husband's family, and 4 boys and 1 girl on the other side. In my family, we have 3 little boys and one girl. We have friends that have children...4 boys and 1 girl. To me, it would be nice to shake things up a bit. Although, honestly, it makes absolutely no difference. I just want to be pregnant with a baby. Period.

We are doing well in collecting baby items, maternity clothes, and savings. We are about 70% of the way to our savings goal before a baby is born. This money will cover health insurance premiums, day care, and other expenses for baby's first year. I wish this meant that I wouldn't have to work, but that will not be the case. It just means we will have a financial cushion.

Well, I think I will go lie on the couch, watch a movie, and think...Baby in belly, baby in belly, baby in belly...

Maybe if I chant it enough, it will happen. Just keep praying!

My 1st Ever Blog

How exciting! My first ever blog. So many mommies on DS blog, and I love reading theirs so here is mine.

This is likely to be an intersting journey for anyone who wants to take the ride. My husband, Wes, and I are in the process of trying to conceive our first child! This is our first cycle trying. Not to sound pessimistic (and maybe this is normal...I don't know), but I just don't think it's worked this time around. I wonder if other people feel that way. I won't at all be surprised to take our first HPT and see a BFN!! I want to see PREGNANT!! (I'm digitally testing.) But I just don't feel like that will be the case. Maybe it's just my way of keeping myself from getting my hopes up. Who knows.

...This is much more therapeutic than I thought it would be...It's like a cleansing of the heart...

I just want to be a mother so badly. It's been my only real ambition my whole life. I only went to college because that would be a way to provide for my family if...Heaven forbid...something were to happen to my husband. My life's goal has always been to raise a healthy, happy, Christian family. I sure hope it doesn't take us long to get there.

For a long time I was VERY jealous of other mothers. Actually, the day my sister-in-law went into labor with my sweet nephew, I spent a LOT of time in the bathroom crying. I knew that we were not in the right place to start our family. We needed more time and stability, and I wanted to do everything I could right by my unborn, unconceived baby. But that didn't make it hurt any less. The jealousy stung.

It's not the same anymore and hasn't been for a short while. I am happy for other women who are pregnant or who have sweet newborns or goofy toddlers, even though deep down I wish it was me.

BUT...

Now we are on our way to that happy family. Just as soon as we get that PREGNANT reading!! I have 6 tests in the drawer waiting. I'm so consumed by BABY it's almost sickening:)

Please keep us in your prayers if you read this. I'm praying harder than I ever have.